Oh-so-much has happened since we last met here... Caution: Really long blog ahead. You might want to consider printing this and taking it to the bathroom with you.
I know this is going to sound silly coming from me but I really don't like drama in my life.
Not that I don't like drama...Be aware that there is a real difference between not liking drama in your own life and LOVING it in other people's lives. Let us be honest, is there anything more worth while than talking about the ridiculous shit that happens to OTHER people? I guess that's why I share my life with you, so you can tell your friends and be glad that you have a normal life by comparison, so ... you're welcome.
I should start by saying that I took my sinister-in-law to court ( who is now my ex-sister- in- law, she divorced Jason's brother because I am evil and broke up the family... or something). The judge put his foot up her ass by awarding me a judgement for everything she owes me, almost $6000, and awarded me an extra $ 3500 in punitive damages, I guess because flogging is no longer an option in the state of Texas. Not that I'll ever see a penny of it, but now I have legal rights to fuck with her on a daily basis. The judge did say that this is only the second time in 14 years of being a judge that he has spanked someone with punitive damages - this must have really rang his bell.
That was also the first time I had seen her since her surgery and I gotta tell you, I think I got swindled . She's just fatter . Her stomach hangs out further than her/my/our boobs, which hang almost under her arms. Imagine this : Meat Loaf in Fight Club . That's what she looks like. A fat man with bitch tits. Now, try and get that one out of your head.
I just can not express how repulsive she is. Her general appearance is an assault on all my senses, even now as I write this, my mouth has started to taste like I have a penny under my tongue. And, as you all know, I hate for anything to ruin a good glass of Merlot... so that's it, I'm done talking about her. I'm finished giving her any more time and energy. I would rather tell you about Cozumel...
The week after we went to court, Jason and I drove down to Houston and hopped on a flight to Mexico for a little vacation/ all inclusive fun in the sun time. We checked in on Sunday and immediately hit the 3 B's ( Buffet, Bar, Beach). That was my first time on an island and I totally fell in love with the water, the fish, the snorkeling, the beach chairs, the free booze and so on.
By Sunday night we were exhausted from travel and snorkeling ( rum), so we commandeered two beach chairs and enjoyed sounds of the ocean by moonlight. Sounds romantic, yeah, and I was hoping to get to at least second base ( whatever that is), until we were joined by a group of folks that were night snorkeling with underwater lights. That was pretty cool to watch; you really couldn't see the people out in the water, only pools of lights. Every now and then one would surface and call the others over because there was something neat to see. Octopus, lobster, eel , and each discovery would cause the individual pools of light to quickly converge into one. As I was enjoying this show of light and dark, it occurred to me -
Hey, now, I was in that water not too long before that and nobody mentioned the presence of all that scary shit!!!
Then I remembered the rule of the ocean: You're not in any danger unless you hear a cello, then you're fuct...
So Monday morning we got up around 8am, and it was already 90 degrees so we put on our bathing suits and shorts and hit the buffet. Ah yes, poolside table with the ocean not more than 50 feet away. Ocean breeze... french toast... coffee...a full day of swimming and sloth ahead of me.
Then the screaming started.
It was a woman and she was standing in the pool, chest deep in water and screaming for help. She standing, not struggling to swim, so when she screamed the first time everyone thought she was screwing around. But the second time we knew there was something very wrong. I don't know how many men jumped in, at least 3, and they all immediately went under to investigate. When they surfaced, each one started yelling something different:
" CUT IT OFF!!!", " GET A KNIFE!!!" , "CALL THE AMBULANCE!!!"
The 50 or so people that had been milling around the resort lobby or enjoying the buffet, stopped and now were gathered around the pool. As I stood there, mouth hanging open, I'm sure the hair on the back of my neck was standing at complete attention. When a girl came RUNNING out from the buffet with a CARVING KNIFE, I seriously considered having a stroke.
I don't know what I thought it was, maybe a giant squid or something attached to this woman.It shocked the hell out of me when those guys finally came up with something that wasn't straight out of a Johnny Depp pirate movie. What finally did get brought up, after all that panic and confusion, was Jessie. I don't know how old he was, maybe 10 or 12, but he was almost my size. Originally they thought that his bathing suit was stuck in the drain and were going to cut it off. Then I guess they realized that the suction was actually attached to his skin and that was what was holding him down. Thankfully, the knife didn't get used, but it took at least 4 grown men to pull him off the suction of the drain. He had been stuck to the massive pool drain, chest down, from his collar bone to his navel. When they surfaced with him he had been at least four minutes under water, and was dark purple and not breathing.
This was one of those situations where you start looking around for the person who's gonna take charge, step up, and lead this situation because, you know, some body's gotta ... but you can't find that person ... then you realize it HAS to be YOU ( even though its 8:30 am and you've only had a 1/2 cup of coffee and you're on a wonderful relaxing FREAKING VACATION !!!)
Now I don't have a glamorous job or make lots of money, but at that moment I was really glad I hadn't decided to become a stockbroker. For those of you who don't really know what I do for a living... well, here it is. I am a RRT . I'm like a specialized nurse. I assess, manage, and maintain people's airway and lung function in all stages of people's lives, and often to prevent their death. Unfortunately, people are brought to the hospital in similar "not breathing" situations about once a week, so I've dealt with basically this situation on a regular basis - but never out of the hospital setting and never while I'm in a bikini.
There wasn't any of that TV "ER" bullshit, no pounding on the chest or shocking him or anything. He still had a pulse, so I just did mouth-to-mouth and he started breathing on his own after a few moments. I could have dealt with a little less vomit on my face that early in the morning but I was SO relieved he was breathing that I didn't care. It took about 10 minutes for the EMT 's to get there so I just stayed there with him and barked orders at the hotel staff.
The hotel staff were all clueless and scared shitless, but eventually got me everything I ask for: towels to cover him up, a medical grade oxygen tank and a mask, a stiff drink for me.
They took him to the hospital, and the next day they flew him back home to a hospital in New York and as far as I know , other than the world's largest chest hickey and some water in his lungs, he is okay. I don't really want to know anything else; I like this ending .
Everything calmed down that day and we went on with our vacation, which turned out to be awesome. We snorkeled with a tour that took us out to the coral reef. The water really is as blue and the fish really are as beautiful as I've heard. Even when we were snorkeling in sixty feet deep, it was just like Sherry told me ," The water is so clear- its totally in HD".
Later in the week we dined and danced the night away on a lobster dinner cruise aboard a pirate ship that had a DJ and a disco ball, and PIRATES that put on a stellar sword fight and show that involved the whole crowd. Seriously, no one was safe, everybody got picked on, IT WAS GREAT !!!
Watch for pictures.
Last year's vacation: Car Wreck
This year's vacation: CPR Poolside
Next year: Staycation. We're not leaving the house !!!
posted by Wallflower3 @ 11:57 PM
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